My grandmother on my father's side comes from Old New England stock. She was born in Concord, New Hampshire and to this day - over 80 years later - has that unmistakable New England accent.

Her husband was born in the same town, just a few years before her. Before being taken by colon cancer several years ago, my grandfather was an amazing storyteller. And after a career as an army surgeon, he had some epic ones.

Right now I am lying on the floor near gate C1 in terminal four of Sky Harbor airport in Phoenix. I am on the last leg of a trip home from San Antonio. I was there to see my Yankee grandma (a personal hero) whose body has been more or less ravaged by 15 years of ovarian cancer and chemotherapy. She is still undergoing treatment, though the doctors cancelled her most recent so that she could enjoy Thanksgiving.

In addition to the cancer, she has developed dementia. The remarkable woman she has always been is still there, but is often shoved aside by constant worry, forgetfulness, and confusion. It is a strange thing to see; anybody who has seen a loved one like this can relate. Hell, even if you haven't, you can relate. This woman of implacable rationality has been taken over. I sort of wonder if she is in there somewhere, watching herself and saying, "pull yourself together, Betty!". I almost hope not.

I'm not a religious person. I don't believe in heaven in the way most people do. I'd like to think that there is something beyond this. But mostly I hope, more than anything else, that my grandparents will be together someday.

I'm looking forward to going home. I miss it, and everything that goes along with it.

Last night was closing night of Beauty and the Beast. It was a little bittersweet from the moment I got to the theatre, up until the first major frak-up of the show. After that, it was all business with a touch of "I can't wait until this shit is over."

It's been a long, crazy journey. We've been working on this show in some way or another for a year. I'm actually looking forward to that feeling of loss that I get after a show. Post-show depression happens to even the people who never gave a shit about the show in the first place. It'll be a nice change to come home after work and wonder what I'm going to do for the rest of the night.

After the show a group of us went to a house party. It was pretty fun. I drank too much, but that's usually what happens on closing night. I woke up to a text message at 1 o'clock this afternoon from Glen, offering to bring me lunch. Such a nice man! Mobility isn't entirely pain-free today, but that's cool. It was fun.

So now, I look ahead. The possibilities aren't exactly endless, but they are kind of exciting.

I've been silent for awhile. It's strange when you're a lurker on your own LiveJournal.

The play has been the thing in my life for going on a year now, and I've never looked forward to anything ending more in my life. I've met some really wonderful people, but it's time to hang up the tea cup.

On my off hours I've been playing entirely too much Guitar Hero: World Tour. I am obsessed. And I'm really not that great at the game, but I love the songs, and some of them actually make me feel like a bit of a rock star! But if I lose focus for even a second, I totally screw up. Maybe I'd do better at the singing...

Sigh. Back to work.

I'm tired.

We "opened" on Monday for BatB part deux. Tonight is our second preview, and tomorrow we have a full-price-paying audience.

This experience hasn't been the best. I find myself frustrated and anxious whenever I walk into the theatre. The cast is over-worked, the crew is antsy, and I have no idea how to turn it around. They only thing I can hope for them is that they have great audiences who love the show.

As for myself, these past few weeks have pretty much sealed the deal on my future in community theatre stage management. I'm done. SO done. I've had some really good experiences and some really shitty ones, and it's time to hang up my hat.

I have a couple of regrets about doing the show. But it's tough to dwell because I've met some really fantastic people, and have solidified friendships that began when we did this show back in June.

But I'm still fucking tired.

Okay, whine over.

A friend said something interesting to me today in relation to my latest "crush". I was lamenting how I seem to have missed the boat, since he has a girlfriend (of course).

My friend said, "I don't think he's the boat you want. Maybe he's the canoe that will take you TO the boat."

I think I've taken a lot of friggin' canoes.

After rehearsal tonight I went to see this band of women that calls themselves Killian's Angels. These ladies are amazing. They play every possible instrument, sing some kick-ass songs, and are just a true joy to see perform.

One of the hightlights of the evening was the presense of a very good friend and his lovely wife. I haven't seen either of them in a couple of months. They are both awesome. His name is Steve. Really a great person. She is Annie, and she works for Cirque here in Las Vegas. Seeing them again made me realize how much I miss when I'm wrapped up in a show. It's a little sad, actually. I love what I do for theatre, but sometimes the sacrifice is a lot greater than I realize.

I told Joe that I think he is the bees knees. Could I be any more of a grandma? Christ.

I have to work in the morning at ANFQS, and then it's off to the theatre to rig some flat trees and maybe do some more paint removal. Yawn.

Ever have those mornings when you wake up and you're just so freaking happy to be alive?

I'm pretty cynical. I've always been that way. Worst case scenarios are my specialty. And yet somehow I also manage to be pretty damn optimisitc and happy about things.

Maybe it's only when I get an extra hour of sleep in the morning.

But whatever it is, today I feel really good.

Last night I made my hotel reservations for Dragon*Con 2009! I'm so fucking excited! And it's like 330 days away! I'm pretty thrilled to be in the Marriot, too. I'm only staying four nights, because I'm not sure if my liver can tolerate a fifth night of drinking.

We are in the theatre now for rehearsals. I'm still a little shocked that they were able to reassemble the set so quickly. And it actually feels pretty stable, so that's a relief, too! Things are going to move quickly from here on out; our first preview performance is October 20th! Eek!

I'm almost done with David Carr's book. It's been tough to read, and not because of the quality of writing (which is excellent). It's just a hell of a story, and an interesting approach to a book about addiction and recovery.

Next on the booklist is The End of Faith. And then, finally, I may try to jump back into Breaking Dawn.

There just isn't enough time!

I need a vacation.

Work this morning is pretty much the norm. Trying to stay awake, trying to focus, blah blah blah. I want to do something fun. Maybe go on a cruise.

Okay, mostly I just want to go back to Hawaii.

The forecast for this weekend is pretty boring. Tomorrow we have to pull the set out of storage, and then Sunday we put the set into the theatre. I have a feeling nobody is going to want to help, so it'll be me and Glen. Awesome.

Did I really sing "Open Arms" at karaoke last night? Good lord.

I've been away for awhile. And even now I don't know what to write. But I'm forcing myself, because I haven't lately and I need to.

Rehearsals are the same. I sit here all night and don't do much of anything. I guess it's important that I be here to handle any issues that come up, but I still am bored out of my everlovin' mind. I never thought I would LONG to take blocking notes, but at this point I'd be thrilled with it.

Work is work. Somedays it's harder to focus than others, but I plug away. I need a change.

I talked to Alice today about school and relocation. A couple of friends told me to just get whatever loans and grants I can and go to school full time. The idea of it scares the shit out of me. I have a lot of bills. And this is all assuming I can get somebody to loan me the money. But I need to go back. I'm going crazy doing the same shit all of the time.

Relocating, though...that's something I've been considering for awhile. I think in a couple of years I may be in a good position to actually go for it. I'm thinking about Austin. I love Austin. Dallas is a possibilty, but Austin FEELS right. So we'll see how things pan out.

I've been tossing around this idea for a story for weeks now, and have started to put it down to paper. Parts of it flow, parts of it don't. It's like my muse is rushing in and out of frame. Frustrating as hell is what it is, dammit.

But on the OTHER side of creativity, I'm almost finished with two bags, with another on deck. And Lisa's massive quilt, the top of which should hopefully be finished over the period of two weekends. Probably three, knowing how slow I work.

I love the show and the people, but I miss my freedom. Frankly, November 22nd can't get here fast enough.

I love empowering chick music. Seriously. It gets me through those tedious days at work, the long and boring drive home, and pretty much any low points in my day.

I caught about ten seconds of the VMAs the other night at a party and saw Pink's performance. That girl kicks ass. I love the new single, "So What". Can't get enough. It probably got me through the day at work today.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. I'm pretty happy about that. I'm really looking forward to the weekend, if for no other reason than to get some laundry done and sit on my ass. And maybe get my desk set up in my room.

Tonight we are working on "Human Again" from Beauty and the Beast. It wasn't in the cartoon. I hate this song. Ugh.

Been re-reading some fics lately. There is some good stuff out there. Sigh. I wish I could write like that...

The English language is a funny thing. My aunt told me a new word the other night: "bedinnered". As in, dinner was bestowed upon us. Very strange.

Tut tut tut, it looks like rain outside right now. But the clouds often tease us out here in the desert, and if it DOES rain, it lasts for all of two minutes. Just long enough to turn the dust on your car into mud, frizz your hair into a birds nest, and make the average driver slow down to 20 mph on the freeway (while the California natives speed up to 80). I don't think I'd have it any other way.

Tonight marks the beginning of our second week of rehearsals. More music tonight and tomorrow, then a read-through on Wednesday. I just want to get into the theatre to start actual WORK. I can only do so much paperwork before I start to go insane.

Oh well, back to the grind.

Still in Phoenix. Spent all day moving Mom and Grandma. I'm frakking exhausted enough that I'm about to pass out on a loveseat.

All in all, it has been a good day. My Mom's house is nice and cozy, and right down the street from family. Better than the ghetto she was in before.

I'm looking forward to coming home tomorrow. Work this week should be interesting because Lisa is in Tennessee.

Ok, I'm boring myself. Time to sleep.

I'm at rehearsal right now. Second night, music. We've been going over "Be Our Guest" for what seems like forever. But it is sounding pretty. I'd be having a better time if my fat ass could handle sitting on this floor.

I have a pretty good feeling about the show. It's still a little early to really figure it out. I think I'm in a good place with Phil right now, and I have had this resurgence of confidence in my abilities as a stage manager. I may not be a pro, but I know what I need to do to handle 30 actors.

Handling working at the library is a different story all together. Sigh.

Tomorrow after work I hit the road for Phoenix. My mom has helped me move enough times; it is time to return the favor. I hope Nancy and Mark packed a ton of cool shit in the moving truck. I love unpacking things like that! I'm also pretty excited to see my dad, and to get my desk - finally. If anything, it will be a good opportunity to give him shit for his comments last week about dying of a heart attack from a fall off a 12-foot ladder. Yeesh.

Work was REALLY stressful this afternoon. I really hate some parts of my job. But hey, I have to stay employed to support my book habit. And my dvd habit. And my iTunes habit. Hmm. Maybe I need to learn some self-control.

I've been reading this really amazing story on my lunch break every day. It's written by Setivalen, and it is fantastic. I can't stop! It makes me depressed as hell and overjoyed and has been an emotional roller coaster. I love fics that really make you FEEL.

It's a short work week due to Labor Day. I'm leaving Friday afternoon for Phoenix with my aunt. My mom is moving and we are driving down to bring her some furniture and other things. It'll be a quick trip (which I prefer) but it will be good to see everybody.

Rehearsals start tonight for BatB2. It will be interesting to see how the old cast merges with the new additions.

I'm a little nervous about everything, but all in all, I think it will be a good experience.

I survived my first Dragon*Con, though when I think about how I felt yesterday, it may have been by the skin of my teeth.

It was a blast. We saw some amazing costumes, had some "wtf is THAT?" moments, and met some really amazing people. All of the actors from BSG were very, very gracious. I don't think I ever saw Michael Hogan NOT smiling. James Callis, Aaron Douglas and Richard Hatch were completely riveting any time they spoke at a panel. And being in the same room with EJO was totally awesome. Oh, and Nathan Fillion in person? Holy shit. He is SO hot.

I can't wait for next year! I think I might even have to get myself a costume. Luckily, I know some pretty kick ass costume designers/builders.

Back to the grind! Ewww!

I am, once again, waiting in line for a BSG panel. Yesterday's was amazing. We were lead in a chorus of "so say we all" by Admiral Adama himself.

I had every intention of attending the colonial fleet party last night, but fell asleep with a glass of Tanqueray in my hand and didn't wake up until this morning. I feel terrible about it, but I will be back next year!

The agenda for today includes this panel, shopping for Darcie and Matt, and getting some photos with the men of BSG. Sigh. I don't want to come home!

I am currently waiting in line for my BSG panel, a tumbler of gin in my hand. I have met some of the actors. They seem great. James Callis was ridiculously charming, as one would expect from a Brit.

I am having a blast. Sigh. More soon, after the panel.

There is currently a production of Aida at Spring Mountain Ranch going on, and it's fantastic. My friend Steve directed and my friend Keith choreographed. I've seen it twice now, and have been left a little bit of a wreck at the end.

The story is of an Egyptian soldier who abducts a Nubian princess. She becomes a slave in the household of the Pharoah's daughter, who happens to be betrothed to said Egyptian soldier. He and the slave, Aida, fall in love. Obviously their love is forbidden, and they end up paying for it with their lives.

It's the kind of angsty, gut-wrenching love shit that I just eat up.

The music and lyrics are from Elton John and Tim Rice. I love almost all of the songs.

The production is great. The cast is very talented. The woman who plays Aida has a freaking incredible voice. And my dear friend Brandon plays Radames, the soldier.

I love, love, love this show. I'm going again next Thursday.

Sigh.

Saturday we are holding auditions for our re-mount of Beauty and the Beast. If you are in Las Vegas and want to do the show (it's a blast!), the auditions will be held at the Summerlin Library and Performing Arts Center, in Summerlin. They start at noon.

I have mixed feelings about the show. I've been enjoying my free time the last few months, and I won't have any once rehearsals start. But I'm also excited, because I actually feel ready to be the Stage Manager. Maybe it's because I'm considering this my "last hurrah", since I'll be starting up school in the spring. A lot of it has to do with being able to work with Jay and Katherine. The cast is great, so at least I know I'll be working with good people.

My aunt sent me this awesome site to track my personal library. It's cool, because you type in your books, can add tags and reviews, and the covers show up in a collage. I don't really want to compare my books to those of my aunt and cousins, because they read all kinds of intellectual shit, and most of my books are novels about vampires. But hey, at least I'm reading!

Dragon*Con is less than two weeks away! Yay!